Secondhand Signs: Identifying IPV in Friends and Family

Your connection with your loved ones can feel so natural and obvious that you can pick up on any sign that they’re excited, annoyed, scared, or anything else. Other times, the people we’ve known our whole lives can start to feel less apparent and more distant. This is a sign that something might be changing in how their partner is treating them.

Few things are as painful between friends and family as seeing someone they love shrink away and become less of themselves. When intimate partner violence, or “IPV”, begins to take over the life of someone close to you, the first signs of this creeping control might be hard to spot. However certain clues can indicate a need for intervention.

“How Can I Tell If My Friend’s in an Abusive Relationship?”

Someone facing a developing IPV situation isn’t always going to come out and tell a friend or family member, especially early on. This kind of “control creep” can start relatively small and seem innocuous at first. Still, folks should be clued into certain language — especially unusual changes— that indicate whether their friend or family member might be in trouble.

Signs of Potential IPV

In each of these examples, consider how these types of behaviors might manifest in someone close to you. Remember, not all reactions to IPV are the same, but the way a controlling person overtakes someone’s life is devastating in every case.

• Sudden changes in plans — Imagine someone you’ve trusted to be timely and reliable your whole life suddenly pivoting to being flakey and avoidant. This might be a clue that something deeper is going on. Controlling behaviors manifest early in how abusers dictate when and where their partners can be around others. This is especially true about those that keep them more grounded.

• Increased moodiness, especially when discussing their partner — Sometimes you’ll notice a friend or family member’s once-positive attitude disintegrate within weeks of a new relationship. This is a strong indication of causation, not just correlation, to the new partner.

• Claiming they need to put their partner’s needs above their own — Obviously, caring individuals want to be there for their partners. What becomes egregious is when that partner’s mental state and well-being are a consistent priority above the other. What’s worse is when the abuser is making the other person question their role in the relationship. 

• Hinting at controlling language from their partner — Sometimes, you’ll hear a friend or family member repeat their partner’s words without realizing what it sounds like. Aggressive phrases like “stop being such an idiot” or “your friends are a bad influence on you” are surefire indicators of control creep. Folks might not realize this unless called out by someone close to them.

• Avoiding admitting something’s wrong — Survivors of IPV often get trapped in their initial abusive relationships by individuals who refuse to allow a narrative of blame to take place. When you start to hear your friend or family avoid talking about a problem at all, much less a person to blame, it’s likely a controlling or abusive situation.

“What Can I Do If My Friend’s in an Abusive Relationship?”

Remember — no situation is permanent. Catching a developing IPV situation early on is enormously important to protecting loved ones. The Domestic Violence Project and organizations like ours offer resources to help anyone find their way out of abusive situations and set themselves on a path of recovery, safety, and liberation. 

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, reach out to us:

• Contact our intake line: 1-833-321-4DVP (833.321.4387)
• Email us at dvp@urbanjustice.org
• Send us a direct message here

If you want to do more to help survivors of abuse in all forms, DVP welcomes the assistance of all types of volunteers, translators, and more.

Learn more about how you can support survivors and their children to live free of violence and abuse.

Ways to Support